The Catherinette Chronicles

Jealousy is to a relationship as man parts are to my backside. Unnecessary, unacceptable and unwelcome. I am not now, and never have been a jealous person when in a relationship, nor have I ever been interested in back door loving (but that’s another post entirely). Trust is something that’s very important to me, and the whole jealously thing just reeks of dysfunction and drama: a scent I am not particularly fond of. I don’t play that game, and refuse to be drawn into those silly shenanigans.

My boyfriend (when I have one), can pretty much do whatever he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants. As long as the actions that he chooses to take do not put our relationship at risk, he has my stamp of approval.

• He just renewed his subscription to Playboy? Nice. Who’s this month’s centerfold?
• He wants to have a boys night with all his male friends, get drunk, shout at the TV in the bar and ogle chicks? Have fun! I’ll call you bright and early tomorrow morning to check on your hangover.
• He’s going to a strip club? Super, here’s a handful of single dollar bills.
• He’s going to Vegas for a bachelor party? Awesome. Don’t sleep with any hookers or strippers and bring me back a cool gift. Preferably not an STD.
• A hot chick walks by and he looks at her? Hey, she’s hot and I wish I knew where she bought that handbag.

Seriously, I do not care. Those things do not signify a threat to a relationship. It’s unrealistic to believe that your significant other will never be attracted to another human being. Sure, it may happen in Never Never Land, but not here on planet Earth. Just because someone looks, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the relationship. Just because your significant other wants to have a night with his/her friends every now and again, doesn’t mean it’s because he/she can’t stand the sight of you and is planning on dumping you as soon as the sun rises.

I expect that my boyfriend will trust me in the same way that I trust him.

You can imagine my surprise when I found myself dating 3D and he had very different ideas on what was and was not acceptable behavior in a relationship.

I have maintained a close friendship with an ex boyfriend, Un-boyfriend (he is the total anti boyfriend). Un-boyfriend and I dated for about 2 years, and the relationship ended over 10 years ago. Over time, our relationship evolved into a friendship. We do not hook up, we do not send dirty drunken text messages to one another, we do not pine away for the good old days and plan on getting back together. Un-boyfriend has been dating someone for about a year, and they are perfect for one another. She tolerates all his crap, and still manages to bring out the best in him.

When 3D found out that Un-boyfriend and I were still friends, he decided to fire up the grill and began peppering me with questions:

• Do you still like him? As a friend.
• Does he like you? As a friend.
• When was the last time you slept with him? Like 6 years ago (which was a total lie, it had been 2 years).
• Do you think he wants to sleep with you? No.
• Do you want to sleep with him? No.
• What would you do if he made a pass at you? Laugh in his face and tell him to get off of me.
• Am I better in bed than he was? Of course, sweetie (which was true).
• Do you think you’d ever get back together with him? Hell to the no. Not in a million billion trillion years (which was true).

In the few months that 3D and I dated, we had 5 fights about my friendship with Un-boyfriend. 3D was convinced that the only reason we were still friends was because, deep down inside, Un-boyfriend was still in love with me and he wanted to date me again. I told him that he was a fool and that he had to wake up and smell the venti Pumpkin Spice Latte.

His insecurity about Un-boyfriend was only one way that the jealousy manifested itself. We also “enjoyed” some long discussions on why I felt the need to have girls’ nights and why he wasn’t invited, and why I had to stay late at work sometimes. Oh! And one time, we even had a really robust discussion on how I handled it when a guy that was walking down the street looked at me for 2 seconds too long. It was so awesome.

The relationship ended. I know, totally shocking.

3D and I kept in touch and he insisted that he only wanted to be friends…with benefits. This worked out for a few weeks, right up until he asked me if Un-boyfriend and I had gotten back together. The second the question was out of his mouth, I got dressed, went home, and promised myself that I would never put up with that type of nonsense again.