The Catherinette Chronicles

This afternoon we had 50 new employees start at Investments r Us.  Back in the day, I used to manage the new classes.  Typically it was a good time.  I enjoyed interacting with all the new kids, there was a ton of gossip, AND I also took it as an opportunity to stake my claim on the hot newbies.  For 5 years I dipped my pen in the company ink well (or should I say some of them dipped their pens into my ink well).  I was smart enough to not actually touch them until after they graduated from training, after that, they were fair game.

One of the last newbies I dated was a very young musician.  He was a good 6 years younger than I was, and I kind of liked the fact that he was interested in me.  He definitely wasn’t the type that I typically went out with, but there was something about him that was alluring.  We dated for a few weeks. I use the term extremely loosely, as all we basically did was hook up from time to time. He liked to call me, and I’d pretend to be busy unless I was interested in getting some.

Towards the end of our fling, I got tickets to see Margaret Cho, and I got him one because he said he wanted to go.  He had 2 days to switch to the early shift.  Did he do it, no.  I clearly remember he telling me that he couldn’t find anyone. So he freaking waited until 4 on the day of the show to tell his manager that he had to leave early.  Obviously, he wasn’t going to leave very early with such little notice, so he got to leave 15 minutes early.  Yeah, the show started at 8:30 and he didn’t get there until about 8:40.  I hate it when people are late. 

Then, after the show, when we were settling the bill (Un-boyfriend, his skank girlfriend at the time, and some of her friends were there), and he leaned over towards me to ask me if I’d pay for his drinks because he only has $20’s!  First of all: I hate paying for guys and I had already gotten him a ticket.  Second: he should have ripped the check out of my hand and paid for MY drinks and his drinks with his stupid $20’s.  At that point, I was about 2 seconds from telling him to go and suck it, but it occurred to me that then there would be no dirty business back at my apartment.  So, we walked out, and the f’er was in front of me.  Would you believe that he walked through the door, and not only didn’t hold it open for me, but he let it swing shut so that I had to catch it before it hit me in the face!!  TWICE!!  No manners. Fine, okay.  So he drove me home, and we discovered the following:

1. He loved George Bush (I hated him with a passion)
2. He insisted that Republicans were realistic and Democrats (which I am) were idealists
3. He loved Sanford and Son (which I loathe with a passion)
4. He   Kids in the Hall (which I LOVE)

At that point I was so disgusted with him that I didn’t even want to hook up anymore.  We sat there watching television while I sent him psychic vibes that it was time for him to go.  At about 3 am, because he couldn’t take a hint that it was time to leave, he started molesting me.  He was such a horrid kisser sometimes.  It’s hard to describe so bare with me.  You know how sometimes you have food or too much chapstick on your bottom lip, and you open your mouth a little tiny bit, stick your tongue out a teeny tiny bit and lick your bottom lip?  Well that’s how he kissed. He just didn’t do it right.  I hated it, so I ended up biting his freaking tongue because I was trying to freaking pull it out of his GD mouth. Oh well, I got so frustrated that after about 15 minutes, I was like, “Gosh, I sure am tired and I have to get up early tomorrow.”  He was out of there by 3:30. 

Aw, makes me so happy to be single sometimes when I look back on some of my “wonderful” decisions.